On this glorious Sunday I woke up with a song in my head and knew it would remain there until I finally played it. It was only appropriate that the song was Open My Heart by Yolanda Adams. Admittedly I do not listen to a lot of gospel but there are certain songs that just stick with me and pop up at the most opportune moments.
It may surprise you to hear this but despite having this blog in which I have shared about my fineness journey, some of the struggles I've had growing up, etc, I struggle with opening up to people. Especially new people. Especially people that I like. I have had friends for years that will still learn new things about me and also friends that recognize how much I detest talking about dating. Part of that hesitation is tied to feeling like people will leave if they learn who I am. Is it right? No. Am I working on it? Yes.
This has really come up in dating. Upon reviewing the majority of the guys I've dated, especially those I've dated after my mom died, I have been closed off but also those men (I use this word loosely) didn't deserve me opening up to them. To really open yourself up is to place trust in someone that they will care for your trust and feelings. It is an act of intimacy. While many focus on a physical intimacy, it is the mental and emotional that is usually untouched and what I want.
It is important to recognize that while you may not need to leave the door wide open, you sometimes need to leave a crack and s person that is interested will take that to demonstrate what they are about and start laying the groundwork for that trust. I'm working at being better at this. Liking someone, being vulnerable, it is all terrifying and yet necessary.
I'm not sure what is going to happen but I am excited (and scared) to see. So for now I'm going to be like Silk Sonic and Leave the Door Open (a crack) and Open My Heart.
Wish me luck!!!
