The Mission: Fineness
If you have known me for a while you may have heard me say that I am on a mission to fineness. This mission officially began in 2021 although realistically I think I have been on this mission for a few years. So what is this mission and what does it entail? Let's dive in.
First, some history on me. For the most part, I have never been comfortable in my body. Growing up, I wasn't athletic or active at all. The closest I got to sports was being interested in becoming a cheerleader which I couldn't afford. I had dreams of being a gymnast but after dislocating a knee (the second time) while doing a cart wheel in the house, that dream didn't happen. I love to dance but never took dance classes because again not something in the house budget and if I am being honest I don't think I ever fully expressed that desire to my mom. I didn't have established work out habits and really activity wise the only thing that I enjoyed doing was walking. Going through puberty, my body developed with that various insecurities with my body starting in middle school and going through adulthood. I hated my arms, my thighs were nothing but cellulite (although I had great calves from all the walking I did) and I felt like I was surrounded by fit good looking people. I didn't consider myself pretty at all and if someone were to tell me I was, I didn't believe them and batted that compliment away as surely they couldn't mean it. There were also times where loved ones would say comments that made me feel fat (for lack of a better word) and that shit stayed with me through adulthood. As an adult, my weight fluctuated adding to my insecurities. I believe at my heaviest I was 211 and prediabetic.
Mentally and emotionally there was definitely some work that needed to be done. In some ways I have never felt good enough or deserving of love. I have wasted a lot of time judging myself based on how I think people perceive me and also based on the men that I have dated and how they perceive me. Each failed relationship (or situationship as the case may be) chipping away at already low self esteem. I give a love to my friends but sometimes at the expense of myself which also isn't healthy.
So to sum it up, I had some work to do and thus the mission to fineness! So what does that mean for me? My mission to fineness is really about making myself into a person that I love and value and can be proud of. Some think this is a weight loss journey. For me it isn't. If I lose weight, then yay but I can honestly say I have not been on a scale in over two years. I focus more on appreciating my body in all of its stages, what it can accomplish, how I feel in the clothes I wear. Mentally and emotionally it is about reframing my mental image of myself, focusing more on my own perceptions of myself and ultimately loving myself. Kat Williams once said "it's esteem of your mothafucking self" and I felt that! Whether others see me in a positive or negative light I don't care because I care how I feel about myself. I am dope as fuck! I am deserving of love and anyone that wants to be with me is blessed! I am no longer accepting the breadcrumbs that I previously accepted in my dating life. I am too dope for that shit.
Embarking on this mission, I can break it down into three parts and they are still ongoing:
Physical - Becoming more active and creating a routine has been the best thing I have done for myself. In addition to my Lyra classes, I take pole as well as pilates. All of those classes have helped me become more confident in my physical being and has forced me to recognize progress and stop comparing myself to others. I have also made commitments to myself that I have stuck to for the last few years. Y'all I seldom do Taco Tuesday because Tuesday is my class day. I don't even know where Taco Tuesday is even more, that is the commitment I made to myself
Mentally - I have forced myself to take time for myself away from others. Learning how to say No has been great and taking myself on little retreats has helped me reset. I can't front, this is definitely still a work in progress but I am no longer booking myself out months in advance. As you know I love to read and I have incorporated more books that force me to reflect on the person I am and see how I can make changes to become the person I want to be.
Emotionally - Positive affirmations and surrounding yourself with empowerment is so important. I have changed the way I speak to myself and about myself. I listen to a lot of women artists who are so unapologetic and that has seeped into my being. I left behind toxic relationships. I have actually quit online dating as it wasn't helping me. Instead, I am open to meeting someone in person and have been on some dates but really I am dating myself and I take myself on some bomb ass dates
That is my mission to fineness. It isn't a New Years resolution for me. I know people do those and if it works then dope. I think everyone has their own mission to embark on so I wanted to share mine. I am appreciative of everyone in my life that encourages and pushes me and loves my crazy ass. The mission continues!